Of Milk and Men - an Ian novel

So, Jon express-posted the aforementioned glove, which I received today at home and immediately upon being freed from its cardboard prison leaped up and slapped me repeatedly across the face. The resulting concussion is probably what gave me the brilliant idea I came up with, a personal challenge within the blogging challenge issued to me on Tuesday.

Arriving home thirsty on a hot summer's day in Calgary (the high was 30 something, apparently), I checked the fridge to see what could quench said thirst. Inside, I found one thing, probably the worst thing to have when thirsty, milk; an unopened 2 litre carton of milk; an unopened 2 litre carton of milk that's best before date was Wednesday August 6. I figure it's probably safe to drink since it wasn't open, but I should finish it soon, but how soon?

Today soon? Yes. Today soon.

I grabbed the nearest pint glass and filled it up, adding some Nestle Quik. 5 pm. 25% of the way there. That wasn't so bad. Dare I say it was even delicious, which means something coming from someone that does not drink milk if he can avoid it. I immediately refill the glass and repeat. Half done this challenge inside 5 minutes. This will be easy, says I! Then I remembered how milk treats the ol' digestive system. Then I remember that a little bit later this evening, I'm supposed to play hockey. The last time I played, I managed to stink out the dressing room from the toilet, a milk-fuelled fiasco and an embarassing moment to be sure.

Mercifully, I got through hockey tonight without incident, but it's 11:10 as I type and I have to meet the challenge of writing this by midnight-o-one and I still have 1 litre of milk to drink. At present, I am drinking 800 ml of chocolate milk. I know it's 800 ml because I'm drinking out of a measuring cup. My stomach, along with my back and legs, ache. At this point, I am ready to blame the milk for all my pains. But only 200 ml to go.

Oh, Christ. I guess my pint glasses weren't full pints. Upon completion of the 800 ml serving, I somehow have 500 ml to go. That math doesn't add up. Time to chug-a-lug.

Done! Now, let's review my checklist! 200 word entry completed before 00:01 Friday, check! 2 litres of milk consumed in 6 hours, minus time allowed for shopping, going to hockey, playing hockey and returning from hockey, check!

....

Uncertainty as to which end is going to give way horribly to this torrent of milk, a reluctant check. Oh, I'm going to be ill. Have a good weekend, everyone. And by everyone, of course, I mean Jon. Fuck milk.