Dear idiot Calgary Transit riders - Ian

The following is a brief tutorial on how to board, ride and alight from the C-Train, Alberta's finest Light Rail Transit system.

1. Spitting on seats is not advisable, even if you do quickly wipe it off with your dirty, filth-encrusted sleeve.

2. Do not be a loud-mouthed moron herding people on an already crammed car when you are just getting off at the next stop, you lazy shit.

3. The doors on the C-Train are not automatic; if you are waiting to get on and the door opens, this is not an invitation to drop the shoulder and charge your way in. People are trying to get off. Conversely, do not stand and wait for someone else to push the button on the outside if you do want off, barreling that someone else over once they do.

4. Bathe before boarding the C-Train, especially if you are using it at rush hour. Being unable to escape the BO/musk/rotting garbage in clothing/backpack is a truly horrible experience for any unfortunate enough to experience it.

5. If you are unable to procure a seat for the duration of your voyage, grab hold of a handle or rail instead of trying to balance in the floor. C-Train conductors are about as able as a 3 year old with one hand playing Need for Speed. You will certainly crash into and possibly dismember the elderly woman who is white-knuckling her handrail.

6. Give the fucking elderly woman your seat.

7. Don't ask, while sitting or standing within view of the map, "how do I get to the university?" It has a stop of its own cunningly titled "University."

8. If you're waiting for your bus and it's the #1 Bowness-Forest Lawn (roughly equivalent to Regent Park-Jane & Finch or East Hastings-East Hastings), and the #9 pulls up, don't scream at the bus driver asking him where the hell your bus is. He drives the #9. You are only succeeding in making yourself look more white trash than you already are.

9. A bit late, but, if waiting on the platform for the train and one is pulling in or out of the station, do not grab the mirrors on the side. Being dragged 75 metres to your death is a nuisance to everyone concerned.

10. If you are 13, fully tanked on rum and coke in a 2L bottle and riding on the same car as me, it is appropriate to address me as a "pimp", "His Pimpness" or "P.I.M.P."

Keeping these hints in mind will create a more enjoyable Calgary Transit experience for yourself and those around you. Prost!