5 minutes - Ian

Holy shit, I've pulled a Jon and completely forgotten I still have to post today. It is now 23:55 PST, er 23:56. I'm out west on training for my work, and I totally got caught up this evening in having fun and being ridiculous. WITHOUT booze, might I add. I didn't think it was possible, but hey, live and learn.

Surrey BC is a shithole, folks. Don't go there. I was unable to go out for lunch one day because the police were arresting a man for walking around naked outside the building. Also, in the park across the street there has been a large amount of drugs for the shooting and a whole lot of sex for the having. It's a disgusting place. Don't go. Promise me, now. I don't ask for much.

I've been feeling sick all week, so I think I'm going to go to bed semi-early today. Yes, 11pm is early. Training is just kinda like that. Word.

I promise I might try to do better. But I figure after bailing out Jon like the banks, I'm allowed a couple absolutely shitty posts in a row.

Boobs. Time 23:59. Boo-yah.

Post-Script - by Jon

Disclaimer: this blog post does not absolve Ian of his responsibility to write tomorrow. I just wanted to write some things down before I forget them, and make up for Friday's thin post.

Talking Point #1:

I'm starting a new job on October 6th, and am effectively on vacation until then. When I get bored, that boredem tends to manifest itself in charmingly domestic ways. Lately, I have been on something of a baking/cooking tear, prompting my roommate Rob to mention that I'm "like the black Martha Stewart." I disagreed, because if I really were the black Martha Stewart, I would have gone to jail much earlier. And I'd still be there now. I'm just sayin'...

Talking Point #2:

Somewhat related to the first point, it occured to me while baking that banana bread becomes somewhat less appetizing if you accidentally contemplate bananas as the feces of some great, yellow beast. Think, colour and texture.

If you want me to ruin any more desserts for you, let me know.

Talking Point #3:

This morning, I received a text message from a friend that read, "Jon, do you have parking in your area?" Random question, but since we're having a party on October 3rd, I suppose this friend wanted to know where she could park. I phoned her back immediately, and my call went to voicemail.

I then received a text message explaining why my friend didn't pick up my call. She wrote,

"Hey sorry. Haha. I'm at church. Haha... I should be paying attention!"

Let the record now show that in 25 years on this planet, I have never in a single instance been more tempted to send somebody, via cellphone messaging, a picture of my penis.

Instead, I am saving that particular gag for the next wedding I attend.

Talking Point #4:

It has been pointed out to me, and would be unfair not to mention, that bananas don't necessarily have to be imagined as the feces of some great, yellow beast. Instead, they can be imagined as the feces of a great beast who simply ate too many yellow things.

Blame Rob for that one.

____

Hope this makes up for Friday. Over and out.

The Jon Show - by Jon

If Ian can be lame, so can I. I am postponing my post until tomorrow afternoon, at which time, I plan to be sober.

For the moment, I am drunk on red wine, and full of delicious beef. A successful barbecue was thrown at our house tonight, and I cannot be responsible for what I write, should I continue.

Tomorrow, then!

~JT

The Ian Show

This isn't going to be two hundred words. I'm away from Calgary, farther west, thank you, work! I'm also drinking.

Victory!!!

Pompeii and Circumstance - by Jon

The pun in the title makes no sense. Thank goodness nobody is reading this.

My educational background is in the study of history, and it's through the historian's lens that I typically view world events. Here's what two degrees and about $35,000 in tuition taught me:

1) Since the beginning of time, every generation of human beings has sincerely believed that the world was coming to an end in their lifetime.

2) So far, nobody has been right.

Of course, you say, the world has changed. We have atomic bombs, chemical weapons, religious fanatics, and intercontinental travel. Our generation actually has the means to eliminate humans from the planet.

And there you have it - the "everything changed" argument. After Hiroshima, "everything changed." After the Cuban Missile Crisis, "everything changed." After 9/11, "everything changed." It's the kind of thinking that lets newscasters preface sentences with, "the world we live in has become increasingly ______________."

And it's not really true. The world hasn't changed all that much, but the major events give us the opportunity to bookmark points along the road, and look back at the entire process. This is the longue durée.

The problem with the L.D. being, to the historical actors, the end looks exactly the same as the beginning and the middle does. After all, nobody in Pompeii woke up one morning and said, "well, I guess I'll get covered in ash and rubble today, if nothing else interesting is happening."

Where am I going with this? Just one point: I sincerely wonder if the world is ending, and if it is, if I'll actually notice. If Newfoundland becoming a "have" province wasn't a sure sign of the End of Days, I don't know what is.

This made no sense. In my defense, I just spent a jiu jitsu weekend getting dropped on my head in Kingston, and my writing would probably benefit from some sleep.

Over to you, Ian.

Victory - Ian

So, I'm victorious, but I'm going to keep writing. This has been a fun experiment in realising I'm better than Jon at pretty much everything except Jitsu and English.

I don't really have much to talk about these days. Jon covered the election to a tee. I don't know why I'm going to vote on October 14, but I am. Problem is, see, I live in Conservative MP Jim Prentice's riding. I don't think he's actually a bad MP, but I just cannot vote Conservative. That being said, I don't know who the Liberal dude is in my riding, Calgary Centre-North, or the Green. I only know the NDP guy, and he has 3 signs up in the whole riding if my count is correct. Beating the Liberals at this point, but I just don't see him knocking off Jimbo.

At least I'm not in Calgary West, home of Conservative MP (I guess his party affiliation goes without saying) Rob Anders. He is the worst MP ever. If you want to learn more about him, please go to www.voteoutanders.com and see for yourself. I don't think people actually know anything about him either than he's a Conservative and that is apparently good enough for the good people of Calgary West. Shame, really.

I'm going to be going away for a few weeks to a place with a slightly different geographical and political climate. My employer is sending me away for three weeks training in lovely Surrey, BC, where I am sure to be stabbed by an NDP supporting gangster within minutes of my arrival. I will be updating as I go, because I'll probably be sitting lonely every night in my hotel room pining for home. Like a pine tree of some sort. A Scotch Pine.

It was a long day today and I've got another one scheduled for tomorry as I prepare to go away, so I will leave you with this thought: The new Toyota Corolla is like a Las Vegas hooker: It looks tight on the outside but is surprisingly roomy on the inside.

I'm out.

... - by Jon

The truth is, I knew that I had a blog post due. I was really, honestly and truly planning to write this evening, but then I got distracted having dinner with friends, which turned into drinks, which got me home past midnight.

Actual MSN conversation (approx. 12:40am):

Ian says:
I WIN!!!
Jon says:
You know, I was wondering about your interpretation of the 12am rule.
Ian says:
How so?
Jon says:
Originally, I had stipulated 12am EST.
Ian says:
Did you?
Jon says:
Yes
Ian says:
You put "Posts will be posted by 00:01 of the date in question in order to count."
Jon says:
Curses.
Ian says:
And that would give me two fewer hours to write than you in a day.
Jon says:
Well, is it over? Because if it's over, I have to go to bed for a 6am shift.
Ian says:
No, you're fucking writing, sir.
Jon says:
Damn it all!
Ian says:
hahaha YESSSSSS
Ian says:
This isn't over

So, that's why I'm typing instead of sleeping. Sorry, boss.

Is anybody else not paying attention to the ongoing Federal election? Lately, I couldn't care less... I live in Mario Silva's riding, and I think that if I put a Conservative or NDP sign on my lawn, somebody would toss a rock through my window. I'm honestly not sure who to vote for, though. A brief summary of my feelings is provided below:

Vote Conservative!

Honestly, Lord Har-por isn't doing that bad a job. I still don't trust him, though. Something about those steely-blue eyes tells me that he's hiding something. Also, I'm too young and too black to vote for the Big C's. Talk to me in 10 years if/when I have assets to protect.

Vote Liberal!

Stephan Dion is a twit. Period. Whose idea was it to try to introduce a carbon tax in opposition, during an election? Bob Rae or bust!

Vote NDP!

I saw Jack Layton and Olivia Chow in Kensington Market once. They waved, but didn't stop to talk. I don't feel like I should reward that kind of aloofness.

Vote Green!

They're like the Conservatives, but they like trees. Big deal.

So, you see, I will be eating my ballot this year.

Most sincerely,

~Jon

Life is grand, bitches - Ian

It's a surprisingly warm Sunday in September out here in Hicksylvania, AB, aka Calgary. The sun is shining, people are outside, oil changes are being performed and the New York Jets are losing to the New England Patriots on the television set. But, I'm not here to talk about any of those things. I think.

Good lord, I have tried not once, not twice, but thrice to begin this second paragraph, so I'm just going to leave it at this and then move on to the third.

Eat it, paragraph 2!

I believe I'm part of a growing movement of youngish people that are doing away with the landline and living exclusively with a cellular telephone. Why? I'm not really sure. People used to and still say they don't like being able to be reached wherever they are, but is that really so bad? I like being available wherever I am. What if it's important? What if I need to communicate something important to someone? And plans are slowly improving. For less than 60 bucks a month, I have more than enough minutes to talk locally and long distance and text to my hearts content. Why would I pay for that and a landline? Why, I ask you? Why?

Hmm. Kind of exhausted that a bit sooner than I thought. Man, no wonder I don't get paid to do this for a living and work as a public servant. That doesn't require creativity. In FACT, creativity is sorely frowned upon. I'm being conditioned to be boring and just follow the rules. Maybe that's just what growing up is. Giving up the dream, moving to Calgary and starting a boring yet stable career because you got a stupid BA from McMaster.

Shit, that IS what it is! Just you wait til Friday. I'm going to be pumped to be sucking on the public service teat and full of optimism and excitement and subject material. Also, I'm going to see Burn After Reading tonight. Maybe I'll write a review of that. I'll be a new Gene Siskel, except alive.

Toronto the Good? - by Jon

Huge life news this week, but I'm going to hold off on writing about it for a while - want to let some thoughts settle, first. Here's what's on my mind, lately:

The nickname "Toronto the Good" is apparently derived from Toronto's historic reputation as a bastion of Victorian-era morality. I'm sure it's also a nickname that's getting tossed around sarcastically this week, as the city got word of what must surely be the most public homicide in the city's history.

(For the record, I frequent this stretch of highway almost daily - it's on my route to work. I was in Kingston when this all went down, which was fortunate, because my work schedule would have almost certainly got me stuck in the traffic catastrophe that followed.)

Police aren't sure at this point what exactly happened... did Dayne Rose jump from the car to avoid getting shot, but was cut down anyway? Was he shot in the car, and dumped onto the busiest highway in the country in a bizarre public display? Who was in the Lexus? Was it gang-related? A jealous lover? How could this happen in broad daylight?

If the thought crosses my mind that Mr. Rose must surely be a criminal, does it make me cynical? Or worse, racist? Or does common sense tell us that humble, law-abiding citizens don't get riddled with bullets and dumped on the 401 for all to watch in grim horror? Am I blaming the victim?

Oddly enough, any mainstream media I've read on the subject, be it from the Star, the Globe and Mail or the Sun (*shudder*)...

Wait, strike that thought. The Globe is the first to tell us whether Mr. Rose was "known to police," that most polite, print-friendly indicator of criminality.

Pardon my just-world hypothesis. But if Mr. Rose didn't deserve it, then such a thing could happen to anyone... and who wants to face that thought?

Enough musings about a brazen daylight killing. A closing thought:

Why is this my favourite song, lately? No idea, but it's damned catchy.

A Day of Fiascos - Ian

I have a lot I could talk about today for once, and since I'm not writing this at 11:49 or so, I could go into some level of detail, but we all know that's never really been my style. Besides, pro bloggers have probably blogged the shit out of things happening in the world today.

1. The Puffin Shit Fiasco - Personally, I find this hilarious. For those of you who didn't hear, a terribly juvenile - but official - Conservative attack site went up, depicting Liberal leader Stéphane Dion as a dorky professor with slanderous crap written on the blackboard behind him. All this was topped off by a naturally flightless bird taking wing and pooping on his shoulder. And this is what I have to come to hate in Canadian federal politics. Given, Stephen Harper was totally derailed having to deal with this, apologising and planning on how to erase the existence of the web designer responsible, but that's all this is about now. It's mudslinging and slander and attacks and shitty portrayals of politicians as family men and I'm tired of it.

2. The CERN Reactor Fiasco - Allegedly the world's most powerful physics experiment is going to be launched on Wednesday, which doomsayers say is going to create a black hole and destroy the planet and possibly the universe. I don't have the attention span to really get it, but a friend of mine says it won't happen, and she's pretty smart. She also helped in the development of the thing and she doesn't seem the intentional destruction of the world type. Though on one hand, I hope she's wrong. No life, no more student debt. Eat it OSAP!!

3. The TV Fiasco - So, today at work I was speaking geekily with friends about that episode of the Simpsons where Homer goes to Clown College as well as the ice planet Hoth of Star Wars Episode 5 fame. Just 45 minutes, I sat down and flipped channels, when lo and behold, that episode of the Simpsons was on the Spokane, WA Fox affiliate and simultaneously SW Ep 5 was on Spike. I found this odd. Does this happen to other people, or is it just me that has this uncanny, useless and unpredictable psychic ability to unwittingly foresee the future?

4. Numbering Items in Post - Not a bad idea, Jon. Not bad. I like it.

And I'm going to leave it there. While watching the Jets-Dolphins game on Sunday I suddenly came over all sick and I've been fighting it, but I think it's getting worse. Viva Nausea!

How low? How low? Two Posts in a Row - by Jon

Actual phone conversation today:

*ring*
Jon: Hey, Ian?
Ian: What, you need me to post again for you?
Jon: No, I need to list you as a ref-- what? It's YOUR turn to post.
Ian: No, it's your turn. I took one for you last week.
Jon: ....

So, once again, Ian keeps me in the contest. Honestly, I don't know how I managed to miscount something with two alternating possibilities (Post? No post), but I did. And here we are.

CNN reports, Canadian PM employs loophole in potential power grab.

I've read the article, and I'm really not sure where the loophole is. I don't suppose you can fault CNN for this one; it's not really expected that non-Canadians should be fully versed in the nuances of our political system. But if you're writing about something, and you call routine procedure a "loophole," shouldn't you at least explain to your readers what you mean? Unless "loophole" in this case just means "the way things routinely work."

By the way, have you listened to Ian and my mutual friend Rob's entry in the Canada's Hockey Anthem Challenge? I urge all of our readers (all 2 of them) to sign up for the site, log in, and post a comment for him. It would really help out.

Have a good week, folks!

Still Not Worth Reading - by Jon

This past Tuesday night, I realized that it would be impossible for me to make my blog post on-schedule. I phoned Ian immediately, and informed him of this fact; I also told him that if he was unwilling to post, that I would simply concede defeat. Ian, being the good sport that he is, covered my blog post and offered to keep the competition going. It was a fine show of sportsmanship.

So, here I am, hunched over my buddy Dave's desk, trying to hammer out 200 words in record time (what record, you ask? I don't know. The blogging record). This will not be a witty, insightful, or well-written post. I will try for one of those next week, when I get my internetz situation worked out. In the meantime, though, I offer you Jon's Week in Brief:

Internet: Still not at home.
4-Way Intersections: I'm logging one near-collision per day. Toronto drivers are fucking idiots.
Delicious Madanto's Pizza: Less available at my new house than it was at my old apartment. This can only mean good things for my health.
Cocaine: WAY more available at my new house than it was at my old apartment. This will only mean good things for my health if today is Opposite Day.
Opposite Day: Canada needs to declare one, and make it a holiday.
Green Bin: We don't have one at our new house, yet. My roommate has been meticulously sorting the kitchen garbage into two separate cans, and I have been combining them into a single, larger bag in the garage. I figure, if I can get a Green Bin within the next week, he'll never know the difference (unless he reads this blog, but let's be serious - NOBODY reads this blog).
Environmentalism: I am only an environmentalist insofar as it does not interfere with my daily routine, or cause me inconvenience. Welcome to my Carlsberg Years.

Will make this up next week. Promise. Really and for true.

~Jon

The Lady Byng of Bloggers - Ian

I receive a phone call this afternoon from Jon while I walked home from work. He asked me if I could post today because his lack of internet and potential booty would make it impossible for him to keep up the challenge. Could I do this? Otherwise, he would be forced to concede defeat. I doted on this briefly before deciding I want to keep this thing going. Admittedly, the quality of our work has ranked somewhere between shit and rancid shut covered in toenails and vomit, but we've done more writing in the past month than in the past year and a half, I would guess.

I did ask him first, though, why he had no internet tonight. His friend to whom he refers, whose internet he usurps when required for posting, needs the internet as he has a big day ahead of him tomorrow. (Good luck, Dave!) And this evening, he had what I'm guessing is either a date or appointment with a "lady friend." What, she doesn't have internet? Here's something I've learned in my quarter-century +1 year on this planet:

Ladies are totally turned on by bloggers. The following is based on a real conversation (sort of like how "Troy" was based on the Homeric epics):

Me: "Oh, hey baby, I've got something important I have to do here first."
She: "What is it, hun? I've got something for you, and it's hot and between my legs."
Me: "Mmm, I like the sound of that. But, I've got this blog I have to update before midnight."
She: "But it's only 8:30..."
Me: "Hey, I know, babe, but it's an important challenge with no monetary wager I can't lose."
She: "Oh, I love it when you talk that way. Blogging is so fucking hot."
Me: "Yeah, I know you love it. So, let's postpone this sexing up of the place for a couple of hours while I brainstorm and look up articles to comment wittily about."
She: "You are a fucking sex ANIMAL!"
Me: "Stay hot."

Every time it goes like that, I shit you not. Ladies love bloggers. I had hoped Jon would attempt this tactic himself, but no dice.

So, here I am, passing on this bit of wisdom to you, our loyal reader. And because I know you want to know, Jon claims he will be back on Friday. Peace out.